People on Facebook

Types of people on Facebook

1. The Messengers

Hi, Hey, U there, Answer na, You’re cute, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hi? – They are the reason why Facebook Messenger was made mandatory on phones. They don’t know you, they’re creepy as hell, you don’t even want to be acquaintances with them, yet there they are, in your Messenger list, sending you heys and hi’s, trying to make small talk with you. There’s no way you can get rid of them, unless you take extreme measures like blocking them. Even then they’ll make a different profile and irritate you until you don’t respond. Why did it have to be so hard?

2. The Kids

Ah! Memories! You were one of them too, when you joined Facebook for the first time. However, times have changed ever since. Back in your kid days, you used to put up weird status updates that made no sense in a writing style that was considered to be “kewl” and pictures with rock poses pretending to be a part of some childish band. But now, kids put up status updates of heartbreak, how they’re “so done with everyone” and putting up selfies with dog faces and pouts. And let’s not forget the abbreviations like “tbh” and “rn”, typing To Be Honest and Right Now is time consuming, tbh.

3. The Relatives

The distant cousin whose name you learn after he sends you a friend request, and that aunty who once pulled your cheeks at the wedding and made a fat joke about you while eating chaat. Out of nowhere one day, you get their friend request which you take forever to accept. The mind is cannot decide whether to accept or decline the request. If you accept, you’ll have to stop using colourful words and if you decline, your mother will get a call from the aunty within minutes complaining about how anti-social you are. That latter being more awkward, you accept.

4. The Drunk Friend’s Friend

A friend gets drunk at some party and you know the drill. Their friends take advantage of this because they’re just a bunch of as*holes like you’re friends. So they put really not funny status updates like “I’m gay” and everyone loses their chill like being gay is a crime. Useless comments follow like “I so knew”, “Finally you accepted”, “Very courageous of you” and some other shitty statements are made. Only a few sensible will know that the phone has been hacked. Somewhere that crazy aunt of yours on Facebook has a heart attack.

5. The Stalkers

You’ll only be able to relate to this in two situations – either you’ve seen one, or you’ve been one. Stalkers are the people who give up their social life in order to follow someone else’s. They’ll know more about your life and the things happening around you better than yourself. That trip you took to Dubai in 2009, they know the different tops you wore in the duration. Yep, that’s their level of stalking. They could be excellent FBI agents, detectives and police officers during this time but no, they chose to be your stalkers, or you chose to be one. Priorities on point.

6. The Philosophers

They are the people who have too much time on their hands to comment on other people’s posts and updates. Whatever it is, they always like to convey their thoughts about it. They’ll always have an opinion about every post put up by their friends, poke their noses in other people’s timeline and make sure that they don’t go unnoticed. Worst is, when they are your friends. You cannot escape their comments on Facebook. They may seem pretty deep online, but in reality they’ll just be sitting somewhere smoking weed. Because, YOLO!

7. Angel Priya with 99 others

Creepy, stupid and absolutely weird are the words that can be used to describe such people. When they’re sad, they’re not sad alone. They’re sad with 99 other people, that is they’ll always tag their friends in their updates. Some weird caption along with a picture which is equally weird is put up by them on regular basis. Sometimes, they’ll do photo shoots just for a new display picture. Like wow, you are so inspiring my friend. Why aren’t you a motivational speaker by now? You look like you have your shit together for life.

8. The Dormant Users

A dormant user doesn’t use his Facebook. It’s just there to spy on people and judge their pictures. They’re actually active users, just that you’ll never see them liking anything, or commenting on anything, or even online. But you know what? They’re watching you. That new guy you hooked up with, they’re judging him by his appearance. Although they themselves will have a photo gallery not updated since 2008, they’re going through all your vacation pictures. They’re like stalkers, but sly ones. You too, priority on point.

9. The Gamers

We’re not talking about GTA, FIFA, Counter Strike and any other cool game here. We’re talking about Candy Crush Saga, Farmville, some mystery murder game and all that. Everybody has choices, they may be good or bad, but still choices are choices. Problems with them begin when they can’t do their thing alone. You get a notification and there are all these thoughts going inside your head wondering about what is it. Did your crush finally like your new display picture or did he actually comment on it, and you start thinking about your digital fairytale. But when you open it, so and so invited you to play Candy Crush. F*ck you!

10. The Socialites

These people are all over the web. They’re whereabouts are known to everyone because they keep updating about it all the time. It’s actually very strange to know that how can a human being possess so much energy. In the morning they said they were at the gym. After that they went for brunch. After brunch they went for a pool party and in the evening they went out to chill. Now they’re at a club. How do you do that? They did all of that in one day and you’re just sitting there looking like a potato. Damn you, socialites!

 

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