How to avoid people

How to avoid people

There are days when you want to go around hugging people and tell them how much you love them. You want to stay out all day, socializing with your friends and willingly partaking in social activities. You’re liveliness is all over the place. People like you, you like them back. They want to hangout with you and be with you all the time. Now obviously, these occasions are rare.

Completely opposite to what’s stated before, there are days when you don’t even want to hear a single human voice. You hate human race, you wish you were a bird that could just fly anyway when it didn’t feel like talking to other annoying birds. The same people you wanted to hangout with before, you don’t want to attend their calls or see them face to face. The whole idea of social interaction makes you sick. And for such days, my friend, there are ways of avoiding social contact. You don’t have to be rude, you don’t have to say anything mean. Just utter the following and they themselves would be too creeped out to talk to you again –

  1. Pretend you’re into sacrifices. Utter weird phrases that will creep them out.
  2. Act like you’re talking to someone invisible. When they ask, say it’s your friend who died recently.
  3. When you see them approaching you, start running in the opposite direction with your hands in the air.
  4. Randomly tell them that you’re 118 years old and secretly a vampire. Tell them about your new target.
  5. Pretend to be a drug dealer. Accept fake calls and threaten people on the phone to pay you your money or deal with the consequences.
  6. Say “I see dead people” all the time.
  7. When someone asks you for meeting later, say you can’t because you’ll be speaking to your great aunt via Ouija board.
  8. Ask them for some tips on how to murder people and what weapon is the most handy of all for carrying it out.
  9. Every time someone approaches you, introduce them to your imaginary friends.
  10. Pretend like you don’t understand their language. Act like you’re a foreign mystery.
  11. In the middle of the conversation, close your eyes start murmuring. When they ask, say you were contacting your native planet.
  12. Keep asking for Mission Report, December 16, 1991.
  13. Say that you’re favourite movie is Twilight. Nobody will talk to you ever again. Except Twilight fans, which will get you in trouble.
  14. Say that you don’t like Iron Man and run for life.
  15. Pretend you can’t hear them and do what you’re doing.
  16. Speak in a strange voice and start attacking them indicating that you’re possessed by an evil spirit.
  17. Show up to work wearing weird clothes. Nobody will talk to you all day.
  18. Give written replies to all their questions. They’ll get annoyed and will leave you alone.
  19. Cancel a Friday night plan with them and they won’t speak to you ever again.
  20. Give them raisin cookies and tell them it’s chocolate chip cookies. So damn simple.
  21. Play Monopoly with them once. You won’t be getting any calls or texts from them for a long time.
  22. Walk around with a creepy looking doll/voodoo doll. Nobody will approach you.
  23. Tell them that you like them. Boom, work is done.
  24. Say you’re going through a rough patch emotionally and cry all day. Nobody likes a cry baby.
  25. Talk in a baby voice. That shit is annoying.

Mission accomplished!

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