If you’re drunk and reading this, please stop, you’ll just be getting ideas of what to do. Seriously, stop now. Hello “sober for now” people, how you doing? You may not be drunk now, but you’ve been drunk quite a lot of times, and you’ve all done some stupid things that you’re not proud of. As some person who had his shit together once said, “Don’t do things you will regret”, if only he had been drunk once to realize it’s involuntary. Let’s just say that drunk people do things they regret, and they know it’s stupid, but ain’t nobody gonna stop them from doing it. If you’re reading this sober, make sure you don’t do dumb things like these. And if you’re drunk, seriously stop, what is wrong with you?
1. Texting “I miss you” to an ex
No, no no no no, just no. Sending a message like that to somebody that you used to know is not only an utterly foolish thing to do but also inviting trouble. It’s like inviting Satan to your house, giving him tea, and allowing him to rip your soul apart. Texting “I miss you” to an ex, especially the creepy one can land you in more trouble than you think. If you feel like texting them, just remember why you broke up with them in the first place, or why they broke up with you. It was definitely a really ugly scenario in the relationship, which led to you both parting ways. You want that negative vibe again in your life? No you don’t, and even your drunk self will agree to it. So don’t text them anything at all. What you can do is, turn up at their house and burn the place down. That’s acceptable drunk behaviour.
2. Grabbing another shot
Extremely happy or disastrously sad, once you’ve had enough alcohol to keep you hungover till another week, you’ve got to stop. I know it’s hard, trust me, I do, but you’ve got to toughen up man. Do you want to be homeless, thrown out of the house by your parents with luggage in the night, that too in such a state? Do you want to be jobless and sit across the street begging for money for the rest of your life? Don’t make matters worse, just quit when you haven’t reached rock bottom. Another shot of tequila may seem like a good idea, but really, it’s not. It’s just a way your drunk self wants to mess things up for you, and you can’t let that thing win all the time. Ask your friends to help you beforehand. Tell them to replace the whiskey with Appy Fizz after you’ve had enough. You won’t notice because you’re drunk af.
3. Hit on your crush
By reading that itself, if you’re sober, you know how that’s going to end. Hitting on your crush when drunk is a bad, bad idea and let me tell you why. You know Johnny Depp? Obviously you do. When you’re drunk, you think you look like Johnny Depp. Now you know what an Orangutan is? That’s what you look like, only drunk and desperate. Actually, Orangutans are cute, drunk you is not. Sabotaging your status with your long time crush isn’t going to help you at all. Now remember, you really like this person. Would you want to approach them looking and smelling like shit? Spare them the awkwardness and yourself an insult, and just back off. Stay fifty yards away from them when you’re really high, and please don’t stare at them from a distance looking like a total weirdo. Unless you want a restraining order from them, you’ll behave yourself and keep your mouth shut.
Now this particular point is restricted to the kind of people you’re hanging out with. If you’re getting drunk with your best friends, you can dance all night for they won’t be judging you. In fact, they’ll be sharing the stage with you, dancing to outdated music that seems interesting when intoxicated. So there’s absolutely no worries there. But when you’re hanging out with college or work buddies for the first time, getting drunk, don’t even think about dancing. Again, it may seem like a fun thing to do, break a leg and all that jazz, but it’s really not. It’s not only tiring for you, to move that many muscles at a point where you can’t even speak properly, but also horrifying at the same time to the people who are watching you for the first time. If you do that, find some new buddies or die a loner, because after watching that, nobody is going to talk to you. Your only friends will be your best friends, and they’re weird people like you. So no new friends for you.
5. Make jokes
You may be funny in real life, but when you’re drunk, it’s not you who’s doing the talking, it’s vodka. The jokes you make in that situation aren’t filtered or even read by the mind, it’s Mr. Alcohol doing all the work. What you think is going to be really funny may be really sexist and offensive. And I mean “get beaten to death” kind of offensive. The worse thing you can do when drunk is make jokes and try to funny. You’ll either end up dead, or be joking to the walls, because nobody is going to laugh on them, not even pity laugh (if that’s a thing). All they’ll be thinking about all the time is exactly how messed up are you. No amount of drinks can suddenly turn you into Russell Peters, or even Kapil Sharma for that matter, so stop making a fool out of yourself. And what even made you think that drinking alcohol is going to make you funny?
6. Get emotional
Life is hard buddy. You got taxes to pay, work everyday, clean your house, watch your crush in a relationship with someone else, grieve over the fact that you can’t pull your life together, and watch yourself struggle with the most petty things. To worsen things, you wouldn’t want to end up as a joke on YouTube under the title “drunk guy crying in the closet”, made by the people you got drunk with. Getting really emotional in front of other people, singing some sad songs, relating everything to your messed up life is not a pretty sight for anyone. Screw others, you wouldn’t want people to see you cry as well, but alcohol makes people do really shitty things. And on a serious note, you know how crazy the world is, people laugh at your problems more than understanding them. Would you want to let people see your vulnerable side like that? Come on man, you’re better than that. Life is hard, and you better start accepting it and moving on.
Drunk people, I know you’re reading this despite my warnings. How high are you?