1. This response is for everyone who keeps rooting for love in front of you. Any stupid couple does something incredibly stupid, everyone monotonously goes “awwww”. And you’re just sitting there wondering why in the damn hell has your food not arrived as yet. You can use this for every hopeless romantic who says dumb things like “Love is in the air”, who just by the way totally failed science in school.
2. Everybody knows these people who are downright stupid. Every word that comes out of their mouth does not make sense, not even remotely. You always avoid talking to them, because you just know at a point you’ll get up and smack the shit out of them, they are the reason aliens won’t talk to us. But the common norms of friendship expect you to be there for them whenever they need you. Let’s just say you’re only human, and it’s okay to vent out your feelings once in awhile by saying things like –
3. This stands true for everyone. Some days, we have all found ourselves better than the rest of human race. We have all felt that this life was forced upon us, and if this didn’t happen, we’d be the ruler of the world in a parallel universe. But alas, life among peasants was written in our fate! This response is for one of those days when you feel better than everyone else, surrounded by dumb people and contemplating the whole point of your existence among such people.
4. No one knows why is there is a need to exchange smiles every damn time you meet someone. No one knows why it is necessary to interact with people. No one knows why you have to pretend to be polite to each other when you want to run a knife down their throats. Social formalities are completely hokum, but apparently, everybody blindly follows them. And then come people who expect a lot, and to them, you can just say the following and do your thing. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
5. Unlike we’ve been told, people are creepy and weird. If given a choice to completely avoid human contact, you would take it, of course WiFi and Netflix subscription for life would be included in the package. But every once a while, you meet people who are exactly like you. It’s an instant connection, and you both know it’s happening. You’re both confused because this thing usually never happens. Finding a human being of your caliber is difficult, and this is exactly how you feel when you find one.
6. Reasons why pets are better than human beings – they don’t judge you. They don’t constantly require your attention. They wouldn’t point out your mistakes and tell you how you’re wrong. They don’t try to manipulate you or abandon you for another human being. They never stop being cute so they don’t get on your nerve. Do you really need anymore reasons? And then when someone asks you why you like your pets more than people, this is what you say. Right in the face!
7. Yes Sheldon, you totally have your priorities on point, unlike some people. So there are these necessities nobody can live without, like oxygen, food, water, clothing, shelter, Netflix, WiFi, among some other important ones. But what do people care about the most? LOVE. They’ll keep bickering how it’s the one thing you need, how your life is miserable without it and how you should dedicate your time in finding love. Like STFU man, there’s better things to do. Change LOVE to FOOD and we’re interested.
8. Have you ever been somehow involved in a situation where your friend goes on a rant describing all the stupid decisions he’s made and you’re sitting there like “you told me there’s food”? You get it. Everything he says doesn’t concern you at all, yet somehow you’re there listening to everything he has to say. Now you know how to avoid it. As soon as he says anything about himself, just say this, and the next time he’ll find someone else. That’s how you solve a problem like a pro.
9. We all know Sheldon’s right here. Every party results in a hungover morning, followed by texts from your friends listing out all the things you did when you were high. And the crazy party? You don’t remember anything. Then come the videos, and you know you’re doomed for life because you’re friends are going to put it up on all networking sites, and you’ll have to shift to a new place with a completely new identity, because that will destroy your life. Next time when someone offers you alcohol, say this and avoid drinking. Actually, just chug it, because #YOLO.
10. This stands true for all the parties you have no interest in going. Especially the ones with no free food and alcohol. Nope, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. When a person invites you for the first time, you go because you have some expectations. And then you see them crash. The next time, they again somehow have to audacity to call you again, and this is exactly what you need to say when they do that.
A little message from him